AC or DC

The fire brigade, police and ambulance all had to be summoned to last Sunday’s 11am Mass in St. Philomena’s Church, Sparksfield, W. Yorkshire, when two worshippers were electrocuted as a result of touching the altar rails.
Father Jerome Retroe, aged 25, was in the process of receiving Holy Communion, while celebrating Mass in the Tridentine “traditional” Rite, when a man and a woman, who were unknown to the regular congregation, hurried forward and tried to open the gates to the sanctuary.
“There was a loud bang and a flash of light,” said Mrs. Mabel Neum, aged 78, a member of the choir singing in the gallery and so easily able to witness events. “I was so startled that I dropped my heavy Liber Usualis over the organ loft rails and it landed on the head of a nun in the pew below.”
“I did not recognise these people,” added Mr. Valentine Cuttle, aged 41, “though I have been coming here for some years. I presume they were husband and wife. I was kneeling in the pew opposite and could see that they were ill at ease. They kept muttering to each other and at one point the man stood up and banged the sound system speaker which was just above his head, while Father Retroe was praying the Eucharistic Prayer silently to himself. Just before Communion they exchanged shocked looks and then got up and ran forward with wild expressions on their faces”.
Mr. Cornelius Cotter, aged 66, the principal server at the Mass, filled in the background to this particular case: “Father Retroe is a well-known stickler for the rubrics of the Tridentine Rite and will tolerate no half measures. There was the incident recently of the girl who tried to become an altar server and was locked in the church boiler room as a punishment, though Father does now admit he went too far. To prevent invasions of the sanctuary, Father has wired up the altar rails and flicks a switch just after Mass has begun. We all know that. Then before Communion he flicks the switch back and people come forward to the altar rails in safety. These people took the law into their own hands”.
Recovering in hospital, the couple, Jim and Jo Vibe (ages 39 and 43), from Hampshire, said: “We couldn’t understand it. The priest was clearly ill. He showed that by turning away from us for nearly all the Mass and muttering so indistinctly it might have been a foreign language. We are Ministers of Communion in our own parish but nobody was coming forward so we decided to help. It was all well intentioned. We are very disappointed, and shocked. We will be seeking compensation”.
+ Blessed pinches of salt available in the porch